I'm sure most people in my life think of me as a very happy, upbeat person. And they would be right, for the most part. I don't always feel that way though. I often feel hurt, sad, lonely, adrift. I think a lot in "if only"... I would be more happy if only I lived closer to family. I would be happy if I was skinny. I would be happier if I had a best friend. If, if, if. I go through these ups and downs, and forget to sit still and remember that God loves me. My husband and children love me. I am a member of God's true church on the earth. I live in more comfort than 95% of the people on this earth. I have wonderful friends. I have beautiful music to listen to and sing, good food to eat, wonderful books to read, fabulous people in my life. I have the best husband in the world. I am able to stay home and care for my children without any worries about finances. I could go on and on.
In spite of all that though, sometimes I just hurt. Sometimes I just wish that someone other than my sweet husband would call and say, "I was just thinking about you, hope you're doing well. Let's get together." Perhaps as you read this, you think, I feel that way too! I wonder how many of us feel this way? Am I the only one?
So that is what this blog is about. Expressing some sadness, getting it out on the table, and hopefully getting past it. Recognizing the blessings in my life, most specifically the people who have blessed my life. I chose the title when I was reading President Uchtdorf's talk. I hope I will never forget God's love for me. I hope you won't either.
Dear Aubrey,
ReplyDeleteI feel this way too, most especially when I think of all of you in SA raising your families and being beautiful and new babies and all, while we just drifted out without a ripple. Adrift is a good word for this feeling, but I think it helps to know that it rather comes with the situation, more than the territory. Meaning, I often think, 'if only' i were in SA and etcetc, I wouldn't be so lonely. Then i look around me at the few moms of young kids who ARE in our new ward, and realize--if i don't get the ball rolling, for their sake and mine, it may never happen. I think these moments of loneliness, then, may be disguised invitations from our Heavenly father to go out and serve someone else who may be feeling a need that we can help to fill. The lord never gives a passive commandment or invitation--so when i start to feel lonely, or sorry for the loss of so many people in SA whom i looked up to and hoped to always stay close to--I am learning to take it as a sign that I should be the one to pick up the phone. Even if we don't work out a playdate or something of that sort, I grow in my self-respect because i know I followed a prompting and that I am capable of shaping my outlook and future, rather than being ruled by it.
I hope, with all these words, too, you will feel the outreaching arms of a distant sister who still thinks of you fondly and calls you friend. Thank you for starting your new blog and thank you for being you, --K
Kathryn, I agree, it's so important to reach out. Kevin has been encouraging me to do just that, even when I'm just wishing that I was the one being reached out to. I'm sorry that you're feeling adrift too - isn't it funny that we can be surrounded by people and feel alone? I really admire your attitude. Thank you for being my friend, especially from afar.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely aren't alone in feeling this way. I was going to suggest The Happiness Project, but I noticed in your most recent post that you quote it, so I'm sure you've already found it! Reading it helped me get out of a funk I was in a while ago, perhaps I need to reread it now!
ReplyDeleteMarci, it's interesting to see how many people are feeling this way. So many times in the past, I've really thought that I was alone, and no one could understand how I felt, but just by talking about it, I realize that we are all in the same boat.
DeleteI'm actually in the middle of the Happiness Project right now, can't wait to finish it, and then read it all over again! :)
It is amazing to realize how many people feel the exact same way, and it makes me kind of sad. I know how I've felt and don't want others to feel the same way... yet what is stopping me from being the one to pick up a phone and call someone. Also, I want to come over and see you and meet your baby!
DeleteAfter The Happiness Project be sure to read Happier at Home too! I don't know which I liked better!
Yes you do! How about Monday?
DeleteAubrey,
ReplyDeleteYou have already expressed what I was going to say...when people have 'those moments' of why doesn't someone call me?, that is when we need to reach out to our friends or someone we hardly know to help a friendship grow...those promptings are for us to act (to help ourselves feel better by reaching out to someone else and helping them with the trials/struggles they have in their own life), but sometimes we don't always recognize it being that way...we are human...we make mistakes.
“The needs of others are ever present,” said President Thomas S. Monson, “and each of us can do something to help someone. … Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives.”
When I have a moment like that, I try to clear my mind so that I know who to reach out to...if no one comes to mind instantly, I think of how many people I know in my life who I would NEVER want to walk in their shoes because I know I would not have the strength to get through the trials they face or have faced on this earthly life...(my friend who lost her husband in a tragic car accident leaving her with 3 small kids to raise, a friend who lost her son by someone's careless act of getting behind the wheel after being under the influence, a friend who gave up her child as she was young mother out of wedlock and see the struggles she had, a family member who struggles with severe depression and that has pushed everyone who loves her out of her life, friends who have turned away from what they know is true leaving children behind and walking away from a marriage...my list can go on and on)...I think of how grateful for the trials that I have in my own life...my Heavenly Father knows what I can handle and he knows me well...so I have full faith in my Heavenly Father as he knows my heart as he does yours.
I am glad you started this blog...I will have to keep up on it. It's always good to have an outlet to get your feelings out and have support from others along our journey of life.
-Danielle
Thanks Danielle. It has been interesting and wonderful these last few days as I have consciously tried to sit back and watch the Lord work in my life. Step by step I know that I'll be able to grow as a person and as a servant of God. When I can fully recognize the Lord in my life, then I'll be better able to reach out to those around me.
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