Day two of headache.  Cranky toddler.  Cranky baby.  Cranky Mommy.  Today I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep all day.

1 Nephi 21:13, 15-16
13. Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; for the feet of those who are in the east shall be established; and break forth into singing, O mountains; for they shall be smitten no more; for the Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted.
15-16 For can a woman forget her suckling child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; they walls are continually before me.

This speaks to me on so many different levels.  Unfortunately, I don't feel well enough to write about them right now.  I'm sure you can guess anyway. :)

What does this mean to you?

PS happy of the day - my toddler decided to add to the head shoulders knees and toes song - new addition?  Diapers :)

PPS thanks for good friends who come over to play and help the day go faster

Happy Action

I was thinking about happiness last night, and I realized that it needs to be an action word.  We can't just sit and wait for happiness to come to us, we have to look for it, search, and when we find it, it is usually because we are doing something.  Here are some things that I'm doing that are bringing a lot of happiness to me right now.

*Teaching my son to sing "I Am A Child Of God" from our church's children's hymnbook.  His language skills are exploding right now, and he is a little parrot.  At the end of any song that he sings, he claps his hands and says Yay!  It's the best.

*Preparing to plant a small garden this year.  I've been nervous to start one, because of the expense and my inexperience.  It could end up being a very costly series of mistake.  But if I don't try, I'll never learn how, so we're going for it!

*Setting up a music night for the women in my ward.  Every Wednesday we are able to gather and sing anything we want, thanks to my fabulous accompanist friend!  So far, it's only me (not that I've minded that much, since I get to practice all my solo stuff) but hopefully over time, women will come and find some enjoyment from being with each other and singing beautiful music

*Learning guitar songs with my husband.  We have a goal to get together a huge repertoire of guitar/vocal music, some popular stuff, and some of my husbands personal compositions.  He's a musical genuis, basically. :)  Last night we were jamming out to this fun duet, and it was SO MUCH FUN!  I'm kicking myself that we didn't start this much sooner in our marriage.

What actions are you taking to increase your happiness?

Fabulous Friend Friday

I have had many friendships that haven't stood the test of time and/or distance.  This is the case for many reasons, but I will elaborate on one today.   This is the "who cares the most" problem.  The person who cares the least has the most power in a relationship.  Cynical?  Sure.  Accurate?  Definitely.  I have been on both sides of this equation, as I'm sure you have.  I got myself into several dating situations that were doomed from the start because of this little equation.  I was an eager little freshman/sophomore, looking for romance and marriage and babies.  All good things, and I'm sure glad I have them now, but I wasn't really ready for them at that point.

I had a firm motto during these times - that if you care for someone, then you can make anything work.  This was to my detriment in these relationships, mostly because those guys didn't really care about it.  They had no interest in making it work.  They weren't looking at the bigger picture.  It wasn't all their fault though - if I had been smarter I would have realized that these relationship weren't going anywhere.  That you shouldn't have to 'work so hard' to make it work.  Yeah, I was dumb.

There is a part of this attitude though, that I think is on the right track.  It's important to have a positive outlook.  It's important to work and serve in a relationship, friend or romantic.  It's important to put yourself out on the line - give of yourself totally - even if you might be hurt in the process.  Why?  Because you won't get the greatest joy unless you have the potential to be hurt.

SOOOO, after that long introduction, I want to start a new Friday thing.  Every week, I'm going to talk about a wonderful friend of mine, past or present.  I want to celebrate these people, and remind myself of the type of friend I want to be.

Nicki is one of the truest people you will ever meet.  Beautiful inside and out, she is a blond bombshell who stand about 6 feet tall and has the most awesome style ever.  Nicki is absolutely true to herself and what she believes.  She tells it to you straight.  She is unfailingly generous with her time and attention.  I practically lived at her apartment after I went through a terrible break-up.  This was during finals week, and yet I never heard a word of complaint from her as she took the time to mop me up off the floor and give me confidence in myself again.  She was involved in everything it seemed - I was always shocked at the number of people that she knew.  Yet she still found time for me.  Nicki is the epitome of what I said earlier - she was full of light and joy, and it was because she didn't hesitate to give of herself.  Her example still shines to me, and I hope I can be more like her in the future.  It's more my fault than hers that we haven't kept in very good touch.  I'm planning on changing that though.  Nicki, you rock.  Expect a call from me soon. :)

Therapy

A situation came up last night that transported me right back to high school.  It seems that every time I feel hurt, left out, and forgotten that I remember this particular incidence.  It still brings me to tears at times.  I thought that I would write it out, and perhaps gain some closure.  Perhaps you will have some words of wisdom for me?

I'm about 16.  I have invited a bunch of friends over for a little movie party and dinner.  Although I didn't actually print out formal invitations, this is not just a get together in my mind - it is a party.  Everyone that I asked (5 or 6 of my closest friends) has said they would come.  I spend all afternoon making food for them, with my mom helping me.  I remember this enormous pot of sloppy joes sitting on the counter, chips, rolls, condiments.  House is clean and the movie is all set to go downstairs.  The time comes and I wait for people to come, and ... one girl shows up.  I was so embarrassed and hurt.  I had all this food sitting there.  We got our food and went downstairs and watched the movie.  It ended up being a very fun time.  The next day, not one of my friends said they were sorry they hadn't come.  They didn't even remember.

This experience has come back to me and time again.  Why can I not get over it?  I am a soft hearted person when it comes to others feelings.  When I was a little girl, I would even attach feelings to inanimate objects, like silverware.  I am by no means perfect at it, but when I hurt someone even a little bit, I feel terrible about it, and sometimes make things even worse by apologizing too much.  I cannot forget people, and so when I feel forgotten it hurts me so deeply.

I know that I need to utilize the atonement for this situation.  My Savior has never forgotten me.  I know he never will. But I also know that he will not come and sit in my living room and play games or watch a movie with me.  He has put other people on this earth to do that for me, and I am meant to do that for them too.

I'm sure that there are people that I have hurt deeply without intending to.  We all attach different levels of meaning to different relationships.  If I have hurt anyone who is reading this, please know that I am sorry.  Please let me know, and let me make it up to you.  If it would mean to you what it would mean to me, then I know it would mean a lot.

Matthew 5:48

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

Why would Christ tell us to do something that he knows is impossible in this life?

I don't know about those of other Christian faiths, but as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, this command weighs heavily on my mind, and on the minds of those I worship with.  I think many of us put on a front, showing the perfect side of our lives.  Oh yes, everything is hunky dory.

Someone calls you on the phone, and they ask how you are, and what are you gonna do?  Launch into a long story about the kids tantrums, the dirty kitchen, lack of sleep, chubby thighs, amount of chocolate chip cookies eaten in one sitting, etc?  No, you're going to say, everything is great!

In just two days worth of having this blog, I have come to realize that most of us hide the hard parts of our lives - from our friends, the very people that would want to help us!  I think I have come across a truth though - you ready for this?

Only by acknowledging the difficult parts and the imperfections of our lives, can we overcome them and become perfect.

We can't do this by ourselves.  King Benjamin taught that when we were in the service of our fellow men that we were in the service of our God.   We must give and accept service, in the way that God would, in order to overcome the natural man.

What do you think?  Do you have a hard time acknowledging the hard times and accepting help?

6 seconds/five minutes

I feel very satisfied and settled today.  Almost to the point where I would say to myself, self, you don't need to write on the blog.  All is right with the world.  But no, I know myself better than that.  The ups and downs happen so frequently, multiple times in a day or a week.

Pause - my two year old needs some love.  I'm back, four hours later. :)

I think it's important to allow ourselves to be loved.  Children are such a great example of this.  When they are hurt, they let you know, and they ask for help.  A hug, a kiss, and it's all better.  But I don't think that changes when we get older.  Often, when I'm feeling down, I want to retreat from my husband.  I don't know what to say, there is nothing he can do to make it "all better", and so I keep to myself.  Case in point: Sunday, I was feeling rotten all day.  We talked a little bit, but I told him that I wanted to keep quiet for a while and think about how I could help myself be happier (I was thinking about starting up this blog).  He was very sweet and patient with me.  That night, as we got in bed to sleep, he asked if he could hold me for a few minutes.  I said yes, and almost instantly felt better.

In "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin,  she talks about how physical touch makes such a difference - the 6 second hug.  I've been trying to do that with my son more - let's just say, it's a work in progress - 2 1/2 year olds don't like to sit still for that long. :)  I made a goal at the beginning of the year to kiss my husband for 5 minutes a day.  It might not sound like very long, but just try it, you'll see!  It doesn't happen every day, but I think most days, we make it happen. :)  It really make such a difference.

Challenge for the day:  Go out there, love someone, and allow yourself to be loved!

Not alone

Funny how when you start looking for something, you find it.  I had a couple experiences in the last few hours that go along with my first post, and I knew I needed to write about them.

I went over to a friends house this morning, and we ended up talking a little bit about friendships, and how, as moms, we kind of get in and out of the loop a lot.  When you're in your first trimester, you are just surviving, and you stop getting out, and people forget about you because you're not around.  Same thing in the first few months of having a baby, you just stay home a lot more.  She said, sometimes I tell my husband, "I just want someone to call me!".  I just laughed and said, "I've said the exact same thing to my husband on multiple occasions.  Isn't it funny that we both think the same thing?"   How many other women probably think the same thing?  How often do I discount and forget about the times that people have called me, and only think about all the times that I call them?  (I actually was the one to set up this particular playdate, haha).

I read a post on a friend's blog that spoke to me also.  She talked about telling our stories, and how just because we aren't perfect at this or that doesn't mean we shouldn't share if we want to.  I felt the same way as most of the commenters - I had missed her regular posts and was glad to have her back - no matter what the story is, I loved hearing them and hearing her voice in my head telling them.  Perhaps others feel this way about me too? (not in blogging necessarily, but just general life)  I shouldn't be afraid to put all of myself out there.  My true friends will appreciate ALL of me, not just the happy parts.

Lastly, I read this heart-rending post this morning.  I ache for these friends as they go through this trial.  I am reminded of my constant terror of losing Grace when I was pregnant, and even now.  Please pray for this family.  And hold your little ones close and thank God for them.  I know I will be.

Finding my happiness

I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now.  I thought that it would help me express thoughts about things I feel strongly about - my faith, politics, family, etc.  I'm sure I'll talk about some of that here.  But this blog is about finding happiness.

I'm sure most people in my life think of me as a very happy, upbeat person.  And they would be right, for the most part.  I don't always feel that way though.  I often feel hurt, sad, lonely, adrift.  I think a lot in "if only"... I would be more happy if only I lived closer to family.  I would be happy if I was skinny.  I would be happier if I had a best friend. If, if, if.  I go through these ups and downs, and forget to sit still and remember that God loves me.  My husband and children love me.  I am a member of God's true church on the earth.  I live in more comfort than 95% of the people on this earth.  I have wonderful friends.  I have beautiful music to listen to and sing, good food to eat, wonderful books to read, fabulous people in my life.  I have the best husband in the world.  I am able to stay home and care for my children without any worries about finances.  I could go on and on.

In spite of all that though, sometimes I just hurt.  Sometimes I just wish that someone other than my sweet husband would call and say, "I was just thinking about you, hope you're doing well.  Let's get together."  Perhaps as you read this, you think, I feel that way too!  I wonder how many of us feel this way?  Am I the only one?  

So that is what this blog is about.  Expressing some sadness, getting it out on the table, and hopefully getting past it.  Recognizing the blessings in my life, most specifically the people who have blessed my life.  I chose the title when I was reading President Uchtdorf's talk.  I hope I will never forget God's love for me. I hope you won't either.